Unfriended (2014) – Movie Review by Max Coulson



“What’s a troll”

“You know, an internet troll.  Someone who messes with people online.”

A movie that thinks its audience is fucking stupid!

This movie was anus.  Pure, unfiltered anus.

Spoilers ahead, stop reading if you give a shit!

Let’s do some roleplay.  You’re a teenager chatting to your friends on Skype.  A text post comes from your account, insulting one of your friends – but you didn’t type it.  During the argument that follows, that same friend sends you a message insulting you – while she is clearly waving her arms on webcam indicating that she isn’t typing.  She then claims that she didn’t send that message.  What do you do?

Apparently, you suspend any and all rational thought and accuse the sket of lying!

This is the level of intelligence displayed by characters in this movie, and clearly a level of intelligence that the filmmakers thought was shared by the audience.  Seriously, this movie thinks you’re a moron.  It thinks so little of its audience that I’m surprised it bothered to make an actual movie in favour of an 83 minute video of someone jingling their keys in front of the camera.

So, the gimmick of this movie is that the ghost of this dead chick punishes those who drove her to suicide by making them commit suicide except not really because they’re possessed when it happens.

One dude shoots himself.  The cool part is, there are subtle clues that the ghost will use the gun to kill him, throughout the movie.  Those clues are little things like him waving the gun around constantly, shouting that he has a gun, other characters shouting that he has a gun, and so on.

Another guy kills himself with a knife that he keeps waving around because that’s just what teenagers do on the internet!  Waving knives around while flirting with your utterly bland girlfriend as she does her little PG-13 strip-tease.  Not sure how this movie got an R rating in America because it is tame as fuck.

Obvious telegraphing aside, this movie’s biggest problem isn’t that it thinks the audience is dumb.  It’s that it’s fucking dull to spend an hour and twenty minutes watching grainy images of teenagers sitting in their empty rooms not really doing anything.  It could have worked as a character piece but, as you’d probably gathered, the movie is too dumb and cliche to ever make that work.

No, what we are treated to are a series of attempted jumpscares that fail to be anything other than loud and annoying, weaksauce gore, crappy dialogue, and characters getting angry at each other even when facing death at the hands of a ghost because they are all dumb fucks with no basic survival instinct.

I can say, with absolute certainty, that if a ghost revealed that my girlfriend had been cheating on me – I would be too busy freaking out about the whole ghost aspect, to actually give a shit about the cheating.  That’s a problem you deal with after you’ve dealt with the thing trying to fucking kill you!

Talking of which, the main character actually gets quite a bit of information about how to deal with social network savvy ghosts, from a plot convenience forum that her boyfriend found – and it explains that the ghost can be stopped if you simply confess.

At the end, the ghost gives her one last chance to confess…  and the silly twat still keeps her trap shut and, no shit, the ghost fucking kills her!

The characters in this movie are so dumb that I’m relatively sure they would’ve all died soon, regardless of any paranormal bullshit.

Overall, this movie is anus and I regret my decision in watching it.


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